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Faith and Disappointment

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Well, again, we have good news and we have bad news! It sounds like we have Ministry approval, we will get the official word on Monday! This is excellent news! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out my post explaining our need for Ministry approval. First read this one: Setbacks and Hope and then this one: Great News and Bad News

After a week of back and forth emails, revisions, signatures, phone calls we were told that we have our approval as soon as we email the final revised paperwork back to them with our signature on it. We did that yesterday. So I guess we are just waiting for the official paper to be mailed to our adoption agency.  This is so wonderful because it was the FINAL piece of paper needed before our file could be sent to the Haitian embassy for authentication and then finally mailed down to Haiti. This is such a huge relief! This step has been a bit of a nightmare and it only should have taken a few weeks.

And here comes the bad news…

When they sent us the final revisions to our paperwork they changed the ages that we are approved to adopt. We called and tried to see if it could be put back and they were completely against it. Back in the Setbacks and Hope post I talked about the 18 month rule. This is what I said:

18 month rule- There is a guideline in Ontario that you cannot adopt any children that are within 18 months of age of any of your biological children. We were under the impression that this was not going to be enforced in our situation. But the Ministry has since said that we will 100% have to abide by this. Our adoption agency has told us that if we abide by this rule it will be very difficult to find a match for us… that it may be many years to find a match… at first they said that it would be impossible. But since then they have said that it is possible but that it will likely take a long long time.

After writing that post we were told that a miracle happened and they decided against making us follow this rule. We were ecstatic and overjoyed! But then on Friday they wrote us and email and said that they again changed their minds and are enforcing this rule.

It might not sound like a big deal. But our adoption agency is telling us that its going to be very very difficult to find us a match within those dates and that we may be waiting several years. Its a real blow. I’ll be honest, I cried. I’m not a crier… but I couldn’t contain my disappointment. Pure disappointment.

When the news came in a major mental battle started within me. I believe without a doubt that God has already picked out my sweet children. I also firmly believe that He has already seen the day that we walk off the airplane in Toronto with our precious children and that its the exact date He has chosen.

So if this new “bad news” doesn’t change who my children are and it doesn’t change the day that we bring them home… why am I so very sad and disappointed? I have absolute unwavering faith that God’s got this. He has every detail worked out.

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I’ve had to really work through this in my mind and also talked it out with my loving husband. Norm reminded me of Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” I was taken aback and thought the word mourning was just way too strong. But I realized that it wasn’t actually. I’m disappointed in my expectations being shattered. I had imagined this going smoothly, with two kids that fit nicely between Berea and Emmaus, having them all close in age. Now I am mourning the loss of how I saw this going, I’m mourning the loss of time I had expected Canaan to have with our adopted kids before he grew up. He will will be probably 12 or 13 before our kids come home to us. Unless God blows us away once again… which is my hope! =)

Fact

I’ve been struggling with the fact that I’m so disappointed in God’s plan. Even though I have utmost faith in his plan. I kept telling Norm that I didn’t know how I could have total faith in his plan and yet feel so sad about it. I felt that if I saw the facts…

  • He has a plan. Jer. 29:11
  • He is in control. Jer. 32:27, Job 42:2
  • He has all the details already worked out. Psalm 37:23
  • He already has my kids picked out for us. Psalm 33:11
  • He already has the date set for their arrival. Psalm 139:16

faith

…and had total faith in those facts that my feelings should be joy, peace, contentment. It didn’t compute in my head. Until I saw that I DID have peace, joy and contentment. I was not angry, anxious, resentful, bitter, nor in despair. I’ll be honest… I had moments though where I started to take this personally or feel upset with the person who decided to be “mean” to us… And I would again remember the facts… Gods got this!

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Can we be sad, disappointed, and mourn things in our life? You betcha! Does this mean that we don’t have faith in what God is doing in our lives? Nope! But we have to be careful not to wallow and have self pity.  We need to have the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Note that being happy is not one of the fruits of the spirit and being sad or disappointed doesn’t interfere with the fruit of the spirit. Wallowing in a in self pity though would not show joy nor self-control.
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So what are your thoughts? What are some of the times you have been disappointed in God’s plan?

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and walk this journey with us!
~Debra

 

{ 6 comments… add one }
  • Tami May 9, 2015, 11:25 pm

    Debra, how beautiful this is. What a sweet and precious aroma this is to the Lord. What a powerful testimony of God’s power (the Holy Spirit) at work in you producing evidence that He is reigning in you! I am so encouraged. Thank you.

    I know that God chooses the best ways to for us to get to know Him.

    I love you.

    mom

  • Kristina May 9, 2015, 11:39 pm

    This is a really beautiful post Debra. I can imagine your fruwpstration and disappointment but then you turn it around with this beautiful reminders of how God is in control and he knows. Really great writing.
    I am praying with you for a miracle though too. ;)

  • Charlie May 10, 2015, 12:00 am

    I love watching you respond to God with deeper faith. I know that’s what he’s after and what we all will want when we stand before him One day!
    We love you and can’t wait to see you, Dad

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